Ok so this website is done I guess. Well, as done as I’m fine with for now. I still want to add a couple things like a guestbook, maybe a section of blinkies, and definitely some shrines. But I assumed it was time to actually write a post on this site that was created solely to write posts.
I’ve been wanting to start journaling for a while, or rather I’ve been told to start journaling for a while. I guess I’ve just been experiencing the hell that is being alive in the 2020’s and it might be nice to have somewhere to collect my thoughts. I feel like writing in general is just one of things that would be cool to do but I just sort of inherently suck at. For years I tried to start journaling, buying notebook after notebook, writing a couple things for like a week then dropping it because I don’t have the dedication to build any sort of routine.
I’m just scared I guess. I’m scared of being bad at doing anything I like. That feels gross to admit. It feels sort of superficial. Like, I should be writing, drawing, and doing the things I like because I like doing them not because I’m seceretly some sort of ultra-mega-genius-chosen-one. How dare I put myself on such a pedestal? Am I really that self-absorbed? But at the same time, is that really so bad? Is it inherently evil of me to not want to be the worst at everything ever?
And the worst part is it feels so hard to rant to someone about it because then it feels like I’m fishing for compliments. Like, (fainting Victorian lady style) “Oh, I’m just sooo pathetic and untalented! Someone please please make me feel better and take pity on me! I need you to tell me how incredible I am right now!” And I don’t want anyone to feel like I'm some ego-maniac-freak. Just the normal kind of freak.
So I just sit there. Not doing anything. Too scared to make anything, too scared of being scared to stop making myself scared, and pissed at myself for being scared of being scared because that’s the dumbest thing possibly ever.
And even If I stick with something creative would it even be worth it? In this A.I. corporate hellscape where everything good died just before I was born, the only emotions we can have are the most profitable ones, and apparently we just let demon baby-eaters rule the world without any protest or revolutions; it feels like nothing is worth it. That might be a little too heavy for this blog. I don’t know. Real great intro post right here, making sure to not scare anyone away.
Just writing this is causing a lot of thoughts to swirl around in my head most of which should probably be their own separate posts. Mostly just stuff that makes me mad or sad or if I think about enough I’m pretty sure I could figure out the meaning of life. Who knows? I guess the original purpose of this post was to lay out my goals for this website, so here they are.
#1: Get good.
I’m serious. I want to improve my web-design skills and make something I’m proud of. I see a bunch of cool sites on here and I want to make something like that. I want to be able to have a concrete skill in something, not be stuck as a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.
#2: Build a writing habit
Like I said earlier this is basically my kryptonite. I suck at forming routines and habits, but I know I’ll never get better if I don’t at least try. You miss %100 of the shots you don’t take and all that. I owe it to myself to try to get better
#3: Make bad art
I’m sick of being scared of creating. I want to push myself. I want to be an artist. Once again, that's never going to happen if I’m too paralyzed by fear to start. So to get over my fears I’ll be the thing I’m scared of being: a bad artist. I’ll make sloppy, incompetent, ugly crap, and I’ll have so much fun doing it.
I think that's everything for now. And now that I’ve started I will do everything I can to keep going. I owe it to myself. Everything sucks so bad all the time, and it feels like I can’t do much of anything about it right now. But I know I can do this. So, thanks for reading, and happy travels!